I thought I'd be happy here in my current dwelling place. But I'm oh so wrong - as if I'm betting all in with a pair of kings only losing my hand over a deuce of ace. I know it's Christmas but I never felt such rush of its eve's hype and pace. Now I'm lonesome here inside my room, still wide awake. Not because that I'm insomniac but actually because of another man's selfishness. I'm not supposed to be here at this very hour. I'm supposed to spend it beside a hospital bed and then to a future foster family then stare at some good food then devour. But I chose this. Another boring night with a dog beside my thigh and a laptop that moves slowly up and down as I hear my self sigh.
 |
| my lonesome noche buena - picture taken December 24, 2012 - maligaya home-base |
I am frustrated, really very frustrated - it's all stacking and pilling up -
a holiday bitch slapping by my trusty stupid last minute slip-up. first - I haven't had any gift for my beloved Nikki and I hate myself for it! Why did I not bought my original surprise for her or bought her a watch and let her appreciate it - it's a gift anyways. Another is my mom. I could have dodge this inevitable punishment of my mom's longing, for I already knew that this will just end with me still up without anyone else to talk to or anyone else to be with. Oh well it's my fault and as consequence another alone noche buena, drinking coconut juice at an ungodly hour. Why did I go here at the first place? Even if I knew it from the start that I'll end up fucking up lonesome thoughts like I should have done this, done that, another time for maybes and what ifs or simply what the fucking ass am I fucking doing here - all arguing with the dilemma that this is not the right place to spend Christmas eve. I saw all that coming. But I did not defer. I love my mom, I just hate her for using knowledge of a condition as an excuse - and her ritualistic selfish ways.
a holiday bitch slapping by my trusty stupid last minute slip-up. first - I haven't had any gift for my beloved Nikki and I hate myself for it! Why did I not bought my original surprise for her or bought her a watch and let her appreciate it - it's a gift anyways. Another is my mom. I could have dodge this inevitable punishment of my mom's longing, for I already knew that this will just end with me still up without anyone else to talk to or anyone else to be with. Oh well it's my fault and as consequence another alone noche buena, drinking coconut juice at an ungodly hour. Why did I go here at the first place? Even if I knew it from the start that I'll end up fucking up lonesome thoughts like I should have done this, done that, another time for maybes and what ifs or simply what the fucking ass am I fucking doing here - all arguing with the dilemma that this is not the right place to spend Christmas eve. I saw all that coming. But I did not defer. I love my mom, I just hate her for using knowledge of a condition as an excuse - and her ritualistic selfish ways.
Oh well, merry Christmas everyone - hope you guys would have a better holidays than what i'm having right now. God bless everyone!
No comments:
Post a Comment